It’s almost been seven months with you inside of me. You’re growing really fast and it’s finally obvious to people around me. It took you awhile to make your appearance known. I remember asking your dad silly questions too frequently, “Are you sure baby is growing?”, “are you sure it’s real?” He is always reassuring. My closet has been paired down to a handful of dresses that fit and simple tasks like leaning over and getting out of bed feel different now. I love having you here with me in this world. Funny how your existence changes everything.
I remember the moment I first knew I was pregnant- before I had taken a test and before I had told your dad- the moment I just knew in my heart. I was on the plane traveling back from family vacation and my eyes were all teary because I knew deep down that life would never be the same from that moment on. It was suddenly so beautiful to me that you came out of nowhere and surprised us. That God had known this time all along- even when we didn’t. That you had already been there with me for 6 weeks prior to my knowledge. We didn’t plan you. Only weeks before, me and your dad had been agreeing how much we love the freedom and spontaneity of the season we were in and how we felt really good about waiting a few more years before beginning a family. It’s like the moment we felt at peace with that, you came along and surprised us and God gave us a new dream we weren’t expecting.
We had been planning on starting off on a new adventure in Pennsylvania, helping with another farm start-up project- selling our things and living in a tent for a season. After hearing about you, we quickly knew our plans would need to change. I was afraid I would feel feel sad or anxious about the sudden change but in that moment, when I first laid eyes on the two parallel lines in the QT gas station bathroom, all I felt was peace. I tried to hold back from telling your dad for a little while. Thought maybe I could think up a creative way to surprise him, but I really couldn’t hold it in. I couldn’t stop grinning and chuckling. The moment I saw him (he was playing chess with a friend) the news spilled out. His eyes were all watery and his face red and his hands shaky and he just kept repeating “really??” …” are you serious??” … “is this real??” We still ask these questions daily, though we’ve had you around for some time now. We are still getting used to the idea of you. We knew in that moment that in the coming days and weeks we’d have a lot to sort through and the details of our life to figure out…but none of it really mattered in that moment. We were just simply happy.
I was thankful that you had come right at the beginning of the off-season. My first trimester up unto 20 weeks was pretty miserable in terms of morning (really, all day) sickness. Thankfully, things at the farm were slowing down. We were taking a much-needed break before starting afresh in the Spring. For some time, the job had felt lonely. I loved the solitude and the constant chatter of the chickens made me feel like I was in good company, but I missed farming with people, side by side in the dirt working for a common purpose. The day after finding out about you, I went to work not feeling so alone. Everything seem charged with new meaning and new purpose. Eventually it got more difficult to bend over to harvest or lift bags of potting soil and I would feel you kick inside me when I was washing greens or rummaging through the fridge for a customer’s pick-up. That fridge was my haven on days that were above 90 degrees. I was often frustrated at this new capacity– at my need to bend down a certain way, to take breaks, to bring a lunchbox full of high-protein snacks. But I loved having a little friend out there with me. I loved thinking about how one day I could sit you down in the soil and let you get as dirty as you wanted, teach you how to plant sunflowers, marvel at the miracle of the humble seed with you, water and nurture it all with you, track the progress with you– all the while watching you grow, too, and piece together this big world of yours.
I want you to know how worth it you are. On days when I miss my old life– when I miss the countless hours spent in the sun, farmers markets, the ability to jump in the car and go camping for the weekend, the dates alone with your dad, a clean house, a stretch mark-free belly… you are so worth it and everyday I feel thankful that God gave me you even when I didn’t know I needed or wanted you. I can’t believe I get to be your mom. You are the best surprise.
